Nonconformist bitch strikes again

So instead of a jejemon-themed Christmas party, we decided to change it and agreed on something conventional, a cocktail party. So now i can't promise to be ecstatic as days go nearer to the date. I am not marking my calendar or whatever. But don't get me wrong, the idea is okay to me. I'm fine with it. I'm going to participate, of course. It's just that... I don't know. The idea of doing a jeje-themed party just excites me because no one else would be doing it, at least on purpose (like us). They suggested on changing the theme into what is considered "normal" and acceptable to society's standards is because if we go for a jeje-theme, we can't post photos in Facebook for fear of being judged or whatever. I don't see a problem with that but my friends seemed to think it's a big deal so i just shut it because i know better than to argue. And i'm known for always being the blacksheep of the group and sometimes that really gets to me. And if they want my opinion they will ask for it, anyway.

And now i'm going to ask my mom for a new dress. She always takes us shopping for new clothes every christmas anyway so that wouldn't be a problem. I'm going for a haircut, too, because my hair's a bitch especially on special occasions when she refuses to cooperate with me. And i'm going to try being pretty for a change. I could do that. Since the purpose of this party is to look nice for Facebook, i could make an effort, i guess. It's just sad because we are one of those people now. 

But maybe it's just me and my refusal to grow up. *shrugs

Hey

There are times when i feel like i couldn't hide this feeling anymore, that it has to come out now or i'll combust into a million fragments with this silence. i will never confess this feeling, though. Not when you threaten me with an axe or you feed me to the zombies. Because he might not understand and i'm scared of rejection. But this i know- that i love him with all my heart ever since that fateful day three years ago when we were talking on the steps of the Library building and he said something that made me want him more than anything else. And i've kept this love all to myself because i don't want to risk anything. Not the friendship, not my heart, not anything.

The Avengers :)

I watched The Avengers today. Yey! :))

I think I’ve been noisy the entire movie because Tomas and I can’t help laughing about the action figures we were holding. Whenever one hero is in the scene, the person who was holding the action figure of that hero would raise the figure in the air and would make battle noises, which is both embarrassing and dopey. And I think you can’t just put Captain America and Thor in one movie because it gets people like me confused on which hero is hotter. I had trouble thinking about whether or not i’d bring extra rice because the heroes are all yummy. LOL. Great movie <3

Why I hate my birthday

Writing about my birthday every year is kind of a painful experience. Not knowing the exact reason for my anxiety gives me anxiety. I just know that the main problem is existential, and can I add I’m neurotic and i overthink my life? But all I can say is I don’t like birthdays, especially mine. I don’t like the thought that I’m getting old and I’m fading away from the childhood that I don’t like very much but gives me comfort and fantasy. I wish I have God to be thankful to for another uneventful but ‘okay’ year in my life just like how most people celebrate their birthdays, but I don’t have the faith. If I think about it, my birthday turned out okay. There wasn’t any present, though- a sign that I’m too old for it based on my family’s beliefs (you get presents when you’re under 12 or above 50) and I don’t mind it. Every year on my birthday I always have a fight with my mother regarding going to church. I get a lecture about my atheism from the moment I wake up in the morning until the end of the day. I’ve spent a lot of birthdays being a good girl, complying and dressing up nicely for church. But I guess there just comes a point in your life where you begin to stand up for what you believe in and you no longer fool yourself that religion can make you a better person. So now I’d rather argue with my mother regarding going to church in which I would indignantly tell her I wouldn’t because I don’t really believe going to church could make your life less miserable. I can’t see the point why being agnostic makes you a bad person but somehow my mother sees the connection. Sooner or later I’m sure my mother would start thinking I’m being possessed by the devil. The thing is, I don’t have anything against the god of institutional religion. I respect all their beliefs and ideologies and practices, but it all comes down to being forced on something you don’t really want to do.

 What pisses me the most is asking for my birthday money but they won’t be giving me any unless I’d be a good girl and go to church. What a bargain. 

April 8, 2012

We went out this afternoon, for the last time before he leaves again tomorrow afternoon for Manila and then later in June, outside the country to go sailing the world, like literally. That three hours I spent with him was happy but full of sadness at the same time. We wouldn’t see each other again for a very long time, and all I can do is wait for his overseas calls and worry a lot about his health and safety (I’m probably going to start praying to a deity whose existence I doubt for him). Anyway we watched Hunger Games. He seemed to like the movie because he’s interested enough to ask me questions about the book (I’m such a spoiler that he said he should have just paid me for narrating the story instead of going to the movie). Actually, I’ve watched the movie about 5 times already because I downloaded it from torrent but I didn’t tell him that. I wasn’t really watching the movie, though. I spent my time in that darkened theatre staring at his face, how his mouth twists and his brows furrow as he goes through the intense scenes of the movie. I love watching him, and I might as well get a years’ worth of looking at his face because this wouldn’t happen again until he gets back. It makes me sad thinking about it but he told me not to think it’s going to be a long wait. He wants me to think he is always by my side. I almost cried when he said that, but I don’t want to make our situation harder than it is so I just smiled and thanked him and promised him no matter what I’m going to wait for him to get back. We will be together someday.  It’s going to be long and it’s going to be hard but I will be strong. For him.

                We talked on the phone for about an hour. I told him about my plans in life, like how I’m going to finish college this year and then work for a year after and then get my Master’s degree. He’s very supportive of me. I’m glad he listens whenever I talk about my life even though I’m pretty sure it’s boring to him. He doesn’t talk much, he doesn’t give any opinion, he sometimes makes a joke about me sometimes but I’m happy that he listens and remembers every detail about me. It always surprises me when he inserts something about me in a conversation we have, like a very small information that I thought he’d forget easily. It makes me feel that he really cares about me even though he can’t always show it. Actually I began to appreciate him more after I read Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus. It’s a very helpful book. Anyway, I also made him talk about his plans for the future, and I’m happy to see how much he had figured out what he wants to do with his life. He’s actually more prepared about the future than I am. I was about to ask him about his plan B if ever A doesn’t work out but I don’t want to ruin the moment. I want him to feel capable of doing anything, that plan B isn’t needed. But of course I’m going to prepare him for that, I’m just going to talk to him about that slowly. But I appreciate him. There’s actually more to him than what meets the eye. His heart and his dreams are bigger than his dragon tattoo. ♥

We went on a date yesterday afternoon despite the fact that half of downtown and Robinsons was closed because of the Holy Week holiday whatever.  So I took him to Trio Café, where we had the place to ourselves because no one else was around (everyone else is probably at home praying). We just talked, a three-month worth of catching up because long distance sucks and wireless technology isn’t really enough. I have to say all the pains and all the hatred I have for him vanished the moment I saw his face again, and I’m glad I did not let him go. I feel guilty for all that I’ve said about him on my previous posts because really, I was just so hurt and I did overreact and now I feel sane again. I’m really lucky I have him in my life. He’s not that bad in person. I realized I’m the queen of fundamental attribution errors. I always blame him and his attitude whenever we fight but really, the long distance is just difficult for the both of us and we react to it differently. Next time I have to be very careful with my judgments. I said sorry to him. Anyway, we had dinner at Mcdo and he bought me a sundae despite my protests that I’m on a strict diet and that cup of sundae screams calories.

We’re seeing each other again on Sunday. He’s leaving again on Monday. L

Still holding on...

In a day or two we’d see each other again. It’s been three months since we saw each other last, and seeing each other again holds a promise that this time, with the two of us finally going to talk in person rather than on the phone, everything will be better, if not great. He’s coming home for the Holy Week, or at least what’s left of it, which is about four days. Four days. It’ll be magical. But I don’t need four days. A day would be enough for me, and he promised me one. He always tells me he misses me, although sometimes I don’t really see that he’s trying to do something about it. But I don’t blame him. He has his own way of coping, so who am I to judge him? Probably the ‘i-don’t-care’ act he displays from time to time is actually his way of showing he misses me but can’t really voice it out. Sometimes I feel he is intimidated, and I have done my part- I try to level with him, which I know isn’t always healthy suppressing the things that makes me me. And I have read somewhere that a man appears most uncaring when he is afraid. Sometimes I believe it because if I don’t, I may just end up like all those teenage girls who overthink or worse, end up the relationship even if the reason is something ambiguous. We need to open our minds. We need to understand our differences.  People are different from each other.  If two people are the same then one of them is unnecessary, don’t you think? And I understand him more than anything. I just wish he’d be more understanding about me. He is not, you know.