Shy, Bordering Antisocial o_O

Probably I’m just born socially retarded. My fear of people is sometimes so overwhelming I feel like I’m on the road to agoraphobia.  Of course I get along well with people I know, especially those who are quite close to me.  But being with strangers is definitely another story. I’m actually almost afraid of speaking to them. And my social interaction at home is limited to fighting for my TV privileges and the small talk I do on the dinner table every dinner time (which consists mainly of school stuff that I think they’re not even interested in). My theory is this was formed from early childhood, when I wasn’t even allowed by my parents to go on play dates so the result is I can only talk to Barbie. And don’t ask me about grade school because every day was a struggle to be on the top, so making friends had been only next to perfecting exams and competing on quiz bees. High school was better, though, because there I formed a lot of close relationships. I met my best friends. I never had an enemy in high school, though because I believe I had enough of those snotty girls talking about me behind my back during elementary. I never thought I was such a dork back then. College wasn’t magical, either, but I had close friends (most of them high school friends but I managed to make a few new ones, I’m glad). Maybe people don’t notice my awkwardness or my struggle to hide myself at the back during inevitable class presentations such as dancing (I hate dancing), but I always feel the pain of being exposed when I don’t want to. The thing is, I had a lot of practice telling my face what to do. And then there’s my mood. I could be happy, sad, weepy, hungry, tired, and indifferent- all at the same time. And once I’m showing signs of my bipolar-ness, it’s better to back off. But what pains me the most is the thought that my neurotic-ness is already below or above the normal scale. The fact that I prefer to work by myself and prefer be alone most of the time is bordering on antisocial. 

But what is really my point in this drama?

My problem is I was woken up this morning to tend our sari-sari store. And for the whole day because nobody else is available to do it! I mean, I would rather scrub the bathroom floor or wash the greasy dishes from last night’s fatty adobo or hand wash my bed sheets- but I wouldn’t want to tend our sari-sari store and face all those customers who aren’t even intimidating but I’m as nervous as wreck in facing them. I don’t have the confidence. I don’t want them to see how my hands are shaking while I hand over to them their eggs or cans of tuna or whatever.  I’m not good at facing strangers. I feel like they are going to laugh at me or worse, kill me. Some of them actually tell me I’m pretty, but the compliment doesn’t boost my confidence. It actually adds to my agony that I’m raising expectations from people and I’m not really as good as it looks. I want to run home and hide on my bedroom for the rest of my life. 

Trapped

I want to close my eyes and die. Maybe then I’d be free, away from these invisible cuffs that choke me and trap me as if I don’t own my life. I’m almost 21 now for crying out loud and I’m still not allowed to be on my own? Most girls my age are working full time now and starting to build a family of their own, and I’m still not allowed to go with my friends to other side of the town? I don’t have a night life. I don’t have a boyfriend that I shouldn’t keep as a secret. I don’t have the superficial happiness that most teenagers have. No wonder I’m a dork. No wonder I have more books than friends. No wonder I grew up socially retarded and neurotic. No wonder I’m probably going to spend my life alone. I’ve learned in my 4 years of psychology classes that if I want a mate, I should at least participate in the social constructs, such as dating and getting drunk on bars and at least hanging out at some local coffee shop where lonely people like me also hangs out and then we’ll find each other. But no, I should be at least 30 years old to do that. A girl of almost-21 must stay at home when there’s no school, watch Disney and play Barbie. Yeah, wtf. They’re lucky I’m not the rebellious type. I’m not giving them problems. For now.

I conquered my senior year :)

Facing my old self with a sigh and a smile

                I scanned through my old diary this evening (I’m still a diarist at the age of blogging) and all I can say is it was like a time machine, it brought me back not only for about two years back but it also reminded me of what I used to be like. I saw my 19 year old self- my young (at least two years younger than I am now), reserved (and by that I mean introvert but still cool in a way), dreamy, rather closed-minded, never-been-kissed, almost forever alone self. By reading my diary it’s like I’m face to face with this girl, the girl with the longer hair, happier face, and heart full of dreams. I have to say it’s been a while since I sat down, contemplate and reflect on my life. Nothing much has changed. The only thing that probably changed is the fact that I had a boyfriend and I’m smarter now, not to mention that I’m more introvert and neurotic now than before. I have always been neurotic, but I try to view it as one of the things that makes me unique, although in what aspect i still don’t have a clue. If it’s only possible, I’d like to ask my 19 year old self out for coffee, and there at the tranquil and serene atmosphere of the coffee shop (Trio cafe, I suppose) I would tell her about ways to improve her life in the future. I would tell her to stop using roll-on deodorant because it’d cause darkening of her underarm and believe me, she wouldn’t like that. I would also tell her to get rid of that BNY flared pants because she’ll get mocked by her own self for wearing such out-dated piece of clothing. I would tell her to enrol in Econ11 on the second semester of her junior year if she wants to graduate on time. I would tell her whenever she’s feeling depressed don’t overindulge in chocolate and ice cream because she’d be more depressed at the size of her jeans later on (a minute on the lips, a lifetime on the hips). I would tell her to please save her money because there’s going to be this cute Hello-Kitty alcatel phone that is made to look very cute rather than useful but it’s still very cute and she’d surely want to own it but she won’t have anything to spare. But most of all, I’d tell her not to go to that stupid elementary reunion-party because a guy who always had a crush on her since grade 3 would finally have his chance and it sounds so cute that after 6 years he’s still into her but nah, 9 months later he’s going to break her heart, believe me I know. And I’d tell her to be optimistic about everything and be happy for what she is because it’s always on the attitude of the person, dear. She’s going to have a wonderful life if she has better attitude on things. A life full of pains but still wonderful. She’d get that. She’s smart.

And well, if she can’t help going to that stupid elementary reunion-party because I understand that fateful summer is so boring and she would want an excuse to get out of the house, just.. well, please don’t fall in love with that jerk. You can do it. Love is all in the mind. It just gets hard though if you’re already under its spell. But on early period, when it’s still on the process of evolving into something illogical and foolish, you can still walk away. Get distracted. Buy a book. Get addicted to a TV series. It’ll work. Believe me, I know what’s best for you.

Life is a bitch. We should learn to bitch back.