Shy, Bordering Antisocial o_O

Probably I’m just born socially retarded. My fear of people is sometimes so overwhelming I feel like I’m on the road to agoraphobia.  Of course I get along well with people I know, especially those who are quite close to me.  But being with strangers is definitely another story. I’m actually almost afraid of speaking to them. And my social interaction at home is limited to fighting for my TV privileges and the small talk I do on the dinner table every dinner time (which consists mainly of school stuff that I think they’re not even interested in). My theory is this was formed from early childhood, when I wasn’t even allowed by my parents to go on play dates so the result is I can only talk to Barbie. And don’t ask me about grade school because every day was a struggle to be on the top, so making friends had been only next to perfecting exams and competing on quiz bees. High school was better, though, because there I formed a lot of close relationships. I met my best friends. I never had an enemy in high school, though because I believe I had enough of those snotty girls talking about me behind my back during elementary. I never thought I was such a dork back then. College wasn’t magical, either, but I had close friends (most of them high school friends but I managed to make a few new ones, I’m glad). Maybe people don’t notice my awkwardness or my struggle to hide myself at the back during inevitable class presentations such as dancing (I hate dancing), but I always feel the pain of being exposed when I don’t want to. The thing is, I had a lot of practice telling my face what to do. And then there’s my mood. I could be happy, sad, weepy, hungry, tired, and indifferent- all at the same time. And once I’m showing signs of my bipolar-ness, it’s better to back off. But what pains me the most is the thought that my neurotic-ness is already below or above the normal scale. The fact that I prefer to work by myself and prefer be alone most of the time is bordering on antisocial. 

But what is really my point in this drama?

My problem is I was woken up this morning to tend our sari-sari store. And for the whole day because nobody else is available to do it! I mean, I would rather scrub the bathroom floor or wash the greasy dishes from last night’s fatty adobo or hand wash my bed sheets- but I wouldn’t want to tend our sari-sari store and face all those customers who aren’t even intimidating but I’m as nervous as wreck in facing them. I don’t have the confidence. I don’t want them to see how my hands are shaking while I hand over to them their eggs or cans of tuna or whatever.  I’m not good at facing strangers. I feel like they are going to laugh at me or worse, kill me. Some of them actually tell me I’m pretty, but the compliment doesn’t boost my confidence. It actually adds to my agony that I’m raising expectations from people and I’m not really as good as it looks. I want to run home and hide on my bedroom for the rest of my life.