I want the old you back :(

So I guess I was just kidding myself. He’d never change. The solution I’ve thought of is probably I just need to learn how to live with it, but looking at how much it’s causing me pain and how much it’s damaging my self-worth, I doubt I’d even live. Can’t he see that I’m really trying here? Why can’t he reciprocate the effort if he really wanted this to work out like what he said he wanted it to? Because the truth is I’m tired.  The truth is I don’t know how long I’m going to hold on because it freakin’ hurts. And what’s worse is all he can say is sorry, which hardly changes a thing. Sometimes I even think that he only apologizes for the sake of me shutting my mouth and letting the matter go. Because he can’t bear the drama he’s going to get from me once I enumerate what wrong he did this time. Because he doesn’t really want to admit that he’s wrong. Because he knows I’m way better than him and his ego and his penis can’t take that. I’m so tired of lowering my guard and my pride and letting him win every time. I’m so tired of crying every night on my pillow wishing tomorrow he’d give me a break by being nicer to me. I’m so tired of being optimistic about this entire relationship thing. And I’m so tired of being so stupid enough to let him into my life again after he walked out of it for the millionth time. I am so pathetic. In fact, I am the queen of all pathetic. I have to get over this madness that things would get better if I give it another shot. One more chance, girl? That one more chance just reached its hundredth. When would you wake up? Oh please. :l