The only solution I can think of

Probably in order to keep him, I should deprive him of sex. But if he leaves me because I wouldn’t give him any, well that would show his real intention, right? If he stays, he’d complain a lot, saying waiting for it is tiring but I know that increases my worth to him. How many times have I said NO already? How many times had he come begging for it only to be turned down? Sometimes I’m surprised of my ability of not giving in. we’ve been in the same hotel room together and the raging hormones of the moment did not make me change my mind about abstinence. Because I believe that’s the only way I could keep him.

I don’t know why I’m doing this. My virginity doesn’t really matter to me, although from where I came from it sure does. But my point is I could give it to him anytime I want to, after all I also have my need for it- a need  I’m trying my best to ignore. We’ve been together for almost a year already, and three-fourths of it is spent only through wireless technology because his job requires us to be geographically apart. We only see each other when he’s on leave and has to go home. Seeing each other again after months of physical separation is magical. And somehow, it hungers him for you know what. And it’s really hard to turn him down but I just have to.

My virginity is only precious in the sense that I can lure him to stay. Or at least that’s what I think. My neurotic personality is probably responsible for the pessimistic idea that if I give in, he’ll finally get what he wants from the very beginning and then flee, bye-bye. I’ve been supressing that thought for months now, that he’s only waiting for the sex, that he only thinks he loves me because he can’t get it from me. He unconsciously perceives it as a challenge, and his conscious mind tricks him into believing it’s love. And once I do give him that he’d realize he doesn’t really care about me at all.

Now where did that crazy idea originated? From childhood, no doubt. Whatever happened to me during my childhood- caregiver attachment style or whatever- it sucks. It’s ruining the potential of me having a perfectly good relationship. I’m trying to build one here, but I wish I could easily change my attitude towards him and everything in this relationship. What if I’m wrong? What if what my friends say is true, that I overthink everything?

I’m always on guard. I just have to.

There’s only one solution to this problem.

I’ll have sex with him and see what happens. I have to overcome my fear, this anxiety that haunts me every waking hour of my life. He’s a good guy, setting aside my neurotic doubts and all. To overcome this fear I need to do something. How will I find out if I don’t do the experiment? Clearly sex is the variable here.

 And anyway, if he has plans of leaving me after sex I might as well get it over with now, before I get too attached (if I’m not already). If he stays, good for me. I know very well that we don’t really have a healthy relationship. What we are having (or what I think we’re having, I’m not sure about him) is quite fragile... vulnerable… breakable. On bad days I feel like I’m just holding on to a thin piece of thread, and that would pain me so much because God knows how much I’m afraid of losing him.

A few days from now we’ll see each other again. Is it time to do what I have to do?