The Avengers :)

I watched The Avengers today. Yey! :))

I think I’ve been noisy the entire movie because Tomas and I can’t help laughing about the action figures we were holding. Whenever one hero is in the scene, the person who was holding the action figure of that hero would raise the figure in the air and would make battle noises, which is both embarrassing and dopey. And I think you can’t just put Captain America and Thor in one movie because it gets people like me confused on which hero is hotter. I had trouble thinking about whether or not i’d bring extra rice because the heroes are all yummy. LOL. Great movie <3

Why I hate my birthday

Writing about my birthday every year is kind of a painful experience. Not knowing the exact reason for my anxiety gives me anxiety. I just know that the main problem is existential, and can I add I’m neurotic and i overthink my life? But all I can say is I don’t like birthdays, especially mine. I don’t like the thought that I’m getting old and I’m fading away from the childhood that I don’t like very much but gives me comfort and fantasy. I wish I have God to be thankful to for another uneventful but ‘okay’ year in my life just like how most people celebrate their birthdays, but I don’t have the faith. If I think about it, my birthday turned out okay. There wasn’t any present, though- a sign that I’m too old for it based on my family’s beliefs (you get presents when you’re under 12 or above 50) and I don’t mind it. Every year on my birthday I always have a fight with my mother regarding going to church. I get a lecture about my atheism from the moment I wake up in the morning until the end of the day. I’ve spent a lot of birthdays being a good girl, complying and dressing up nicely for church. But I guess there just comes a point in your life where you begin to stand up for what you believe in and you no longer fool yourself that religion can make you a better person. So now I’d rather argue with my mother regarding going to church in which I would indignantly tell her I wouldn’t because I don’t really believe going to church could make your life less miserable. I can’t see the point why being agnostic makes you a bad person but somehow my mother sees the connection. Sooner or later I’m sure my mother would start thinking I’m being possessed by the devil. The thing is, I don’t have anything against the god of institutional religion. I respect all their beliefs and ideologies and practices, but it all comes down to being forced on something you don’t really want to do.

 What pisses me the most is asking for my birthday money but they won’t be giving me any unless I’d be a good girl and go to church. What a bargain. 

April 8, 2012

We went out this afternoon, for the last time before he leaves again tomorrow afternoon for Manila and then later in June, outside the country to go sailing the world, like literally. That three hours I spent with him was happy but full of sadness at the same time. We wouldn’t see each other again for a very long time, and all I can do is wait for his overseas calls and worry a lot about his health and safety (I’m probably going to start praying to a deity whose existence I doubt for him). Anyway we watched Hunger Games. He seemed to like the movie because he’s interested enough to ask me questions about the book (I’m such a spoiler that he said he should have just paid me for narrating the story instead of going to the movie). Actually, I’ve watched the movie about 5 times already because I downloaded it from torrent but I didn’t tell him that. I wasn’t really watching the movie, though. I spent my time in that darkened theatre staring at his face, how his mouth twists and his brows furrow as he goes through the intense scenes of the movie. I love watching him, and I might as well get a years’ worth of looking at his face because this wouldn’t happen again until he gets back. It makes me sad thinking about it but he told me not to think it’s going to be a long wait. He wants me to think he is always by my side. I almost cried when he said that, but I don’t want to make our situation harder than it is so I just smiled and thanked him and promised him no matter what I’m going to wait for him to get back. We will be together someday.  It’s going to be long and it’s going to be hard but I will be strong. For him.

                We talked on the phone for about an hour. I told him about my plans in life, like how I’m going to finish college this year and then work for a year after and then get my Master’s degree. He’s very supportive of me. I’m glad he listens whenever I talk about my life even though I’m pretty sure it’s boring to him. He doesn’t talk much, he doesn’t give any opinion, he sometimes makes a joke about me sometimes but I’m happy that he listens and remembers every detail about me. It always surprises me when he inserts something about me in a conversation we have, like a very small information that I thought he’d forget easily. It makes me feel that he really cares about me even though he can’t always show it. Actually I began to appreciate him more after I read Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus. It’s a very helpful book. Anyway, I also made him talk about his plans for the future, and I’m happy to see how much he had figured out what he wants to do with his life. He’s actually more prepared about the future than I am. I was about to ask him about his plan B if ever A doesn’t work out but I don’t want to ruin the moment. I want him to feel capable of doing anything, that plan B isn’t needed. But of course I’m going to prepare him for that, I’m just going to talk to him about that slowly. But I appreciate him. There’s actually more to him than what meets the eye. His heart and his dreams are bigger than his dragon tattoo. ♥

We went on a date yesterday afternoon despite the fact that half of downtown and Robinsons was closed because of the Holy Week holiday whatever.  So I took him to Trio Café, where we had the place to ourselves because no one else was around (everyone else is probably at home praying). We just talked, a three-month worth of catching up because long distance sucks and wireless technology isn’t really enough. I have to say all the pains and all the hatred I have for him vanished the moment I saw his face again, and I’m glad I did not let him go. I feel guilty for all that I’ve said about him on my previous posts because really, I was just so hurt and I did overreact and now I feel sane again. I’m really lucky I have him in my life. He’s not that bad in person. I realized I’m the queen of fundamental attribution errors. I always blame him and his attitude whenever we fight but really, the long distance is just difficult for the both of us and we react to it differently. Next time I have to be very careful with my judgments. I said sorry to him. Anyway, we had dinner at Mcdo and he bought me a sundae despite my protests that I’m on a strict diet and that cup of sundae screams calories.

We’re seeing each other again on Sunday. He’s leaving again on Monday. L

Still holding on...

In a day or two we’d see each other again. It’s been three months since we saw each other last, and seeing each other again holds a promise that this time, with the two of us finally going to talk in person rather than on the phone, everything will be better, if not great. He’s coming home for the Holy Week, or at least what’s left of it, which is about four days. Four days. It’ll be magical. But I don’t need four days. A day would be enough for me, and he promised me one. He always tells me he misses me, although sometimes I don’t really see that he’s trying to do something about it. But I don’t blame him. He has his own way of coping, so who am I to judge him? Probably the ‘i-don’t-care’ act he displays from time to time is actually his way of showing he misses me but can’t really voice it out. Sometimes I feel he is intimidated, and I have done my part- I try to level with him, which I know isn’t always healthy suppressing the things that makes me me. And I have read somewhere that a man appears most uncaring when he is afraid. Sometimes I believe it because if I don’t, I may just end up like all those teenage girls who overthink or worse, end up the relationship even if the reason is something ambiguous. We need to open our minds. We need to understand our differences.  People are different from each other.  If two people are the same then one of them is unnecessary, don’t you think? And I understand him more than anything. I just wish he’d be more understanding about me. He is not, you know.

I want the old you back :(

So I guess I was just kidding myself. He’d never change. The solution I’ve thought of is probably I just need to learn how to live with it, but looking at how much it’s causing me pain and how much it’s damaging my self-worth, I doubt I’d even live. Can’t he see that I’m really trying here? Why can’t he reciprocate the effort if he really wanted this to work out like what he said he wanted it to? Because the truth is I’m tired.  The truth is I don’t know how long I’m going to hold on because it freakin’ hurts. And what’s worse is all he can say is sorry, which hardly changes a thing. Sometimes I even think that he only apologizes for the sake of me shutting my mouth and letting the matter go. Because he can’t bear the drama he’s going to get from me once I enumerate what wrong he did this time. Because he doesn’t really want to admit that he’s wrong. Because he knows I’m way better than him and his ego and his penis can’t take that. I’m so tired of lowering my guard and my pride and letting him win every time. I’m so tired of crying every night on my pillow wishing tomorrow he’d give me a break by being nicer to me. I’m so tired of being optimistic about this entire relationship thing. And I’m so tired of being so stupid enough to let him into my life again after he walked out of it for the millionth time. I am so pathetic. In fact, I am the queen of all pathetic. I have to get over this madness that things would get better if I give it another shot. One more chance, girl? That one more chance just reached its hundredth. When would you wake up? Oh please. :l

The only solution I can think of

Probably in order to keep him, I should deprive him of sex. But if he leaves me because I wouldn’t give him any, well that would show his real intention, right? If he stays, he’d complain a lot, saying waiting for it is tiring but I know that increases my worth to him. How many times have I said NO already? How many times had he come begging for it only to be turned down? Sometimes I’m surprised of my ability of not giving in. we’ve been in the same hotel room together and the raging hormones of the moment did not make me change my mind about abstinence. Because I believe that’s the only way I could keep him.

I don’t know why I’m doing this. My virginity doesn’t really matter to me, although from where I came from it sure does. But my point is I could give it to him anytime I want to, after all I also have my need for it- a need  I’m trying my best to ignore. We’ve been together for almost a year already, and three-fourths of it is spent only through wireless technology because his job requires us to be geographically apart. We only see each other when he’s on leave and has to go home. Seeing each other again after months of physical separation is magical. And somehow, it hungers him for you know what. And it’s really hard to turn him down but I just have to.

My virginity is only precious in the sense that I can lure him to stay. Or at least that’s what I think. My neurotic personality is probably responsible for the pessimistic idea that if I give in, he’ll finally get what he wants from the very beginning and then flee, bye-bye. I’ve been supressing that thought for months now, that he’s only waiting for the sex, that he only thinks he loves me because he can’t get it from me. He unconsciously perceives it as a challenge, and his conscious mind tricks him into believing it’s love. And once I do give him that he’d realize he doesn’t really care about me at all.

Now where did that crazy idea originated? From childhood, no doubt. Whatever happened to me during my childhood- caregiver attachment style or whatever- it sucks. It’s ruining the potential of me having a perfectly good relationship. I’m trying to build one here, but I wish I could easily change my attitude towards him and everything in this relationship. What if I’m wrong? What if what my friends say is true, that I overthink everything?

I’m always on guard. I just have to.

There’s only one solution to this problem.

I’ll have sex with him and see what happens. I have to overcome my fear, this anxiety that haunts me every waking hour of my life. He’s a good guy, setting aside my neurotic doubts and all. To overcome this fear I need to do something. How will I find out if I don’t do the experiment? Clearly sex is the variable here.

 And anyway, if he has plans of leaving me after sex I might as well get it over with now, before I get too attached (if I’m not already). If he stays, good for me. I know very well that we don’t really have a healthy relationship. What we are having (or what I think we’re having, I’m not sure about him) is quite fragile... vulnerable… breakable. On bad days I feel like I’m just holding on to a thin piece of thread, and that would pain me so much because God knows how much I’m afraid of losing him.

A few days from now we’ll see each other again. Is it time to do what I have to do?