Why I hate my birthday

Writing about my birthday every year is kind of a painful experience. Not knowing the exact reason for my anxiety gives me anxiety. I just know that the main problem is existential, and can I add I’m neurotic and i overthink my life? But all I can say is I don’t like birthdays, especially mine. I don’t like the thought that I’m getting old and I’m fading away from the childhood that I don’t like very much but gives me comfort and fantasy. I wish I have God to be thankful to for another uneventful but ‘okay’ year in my life just like how most people celebrate their birthdays, but I don’t have the faith. If I think about it, my birthday turned out okay. There wasn’t any present, though- a sign that I’m too old for it based on my family’s beliefs (you get presents when you’re under 12 or above 50) and I don’t mind it. Every year on my birthday I always have a fight with my mother regarding going to church. I get a lecture about my atheism from the moment I wake up in the morning until the end of the day. I’ve spent a lot of birthdays being a good girl, complying and dressing up nicely for church. But I guess there just comes a point in your life where you begin to stand up for what you believe in and you no longer fool yourself that religion can make you a better person. So now I’d rather argue with my mother regarding going to church in which I would indignantly tell her I wouldn’t because I don’t really believe going to church could make your life less miserable. I can’t see the point why being agnostic makes you a bad person but somehow my mother sees the connection. Sooner or later I’m sure my mother would start thinking I’m being possessed by the devil. The thing is, I don’t have anything against the god of institutional religion. I respect all their beliefs and ideologies and practices, but it all comes down to being forced on something you don’t really want to do.

 What pisses me the most is asking for my birthday money but they won’t be giving me any unless I’d be a good girl and go to church. What a bargain.