I want the old you back :(

So I guess I was just kidding myself. He’d never change. The solution I’ve thought of is probably I just need to learn how to live with it, but looking at how much it’s causing me pain and how much it’s damaging my self-worth, I doubt I’d even live. Can’t he see that I’m really trying here? Why can’t he reciprocate the effort if he really wanted this to work out like what he said he wanted it to? Because the truth is I’m tired.  The truth is I don’t know how long I’m going to hold on because it freakin’ hurts. And what’s worse is all he can say is sorry, which hardly changes a thing. Sometimes I even think that he only apologizes for the sake of me shutting my mouth and letting the matter go. Because he can’t bear the drama he’s going to get from me once I enumerate what wrong he did this time. Because he doesn’t really want to admit that he’s wrong. Because he knows I’m way better than him and his ego and his penis can’t take that. I’m so tired of lowering my guard and my pride and letting him win every time. I’m so tired of crying every night on my pillow wishing tomorrow he’d give me a break by being nicer to me. I’m so tired of being optimistic about this entire relationship thing. And I’m so tired of being so stupid enough to let him into my life again after he walked out of it for the millionth time. I am so pathetic. In fact, I am the queen of all pathetic. I have to get over this madness that things would get better if I give it another shot. One more chance, girl? That one more chance just reached its hundredth. When would you wake up? Oh please. :l

The only solution I can think of

Probably in order to keep him, I should deprive him of sex. But if he leaves me because I wouldn’t give him any, well that would show his real intention, right? If he stays, he’d complain a lot, saying waiting for it is tiring but I know that increases my worth to him. How many times have I said NO already? How many times had he come begging for it only to be turned down? Sometimes I’m surprised of my ability of not giving in. we’ve been in the same hotel room together and the raging hormones of the moment did not make me change my mind about abstinence. Because I believe that’s the only way I could keep him.

I don’t know why I’m doing this. My virginity doesn’t really matter to me, although from where I came from it sure does. But my point is I could give it to him anytime I want to, after all I also have my need for it- a need  I’m trying my best to ignore. We’ve been together for almost a year already, and three-fourths of it is spent only through wireless technology because his job requires us to be geographically apart. We only see each other when he’s on leave and has to go home. Seeing each other again after months of physical separation is magical. And somehow, it hungers him for you know what. And it’s really hard to turn him down but I just have to.

My virginity is only precious in the sense that I can lure him to stay. Or at least that’s what I think. My neurotic personality is probably responsible for the pessimistic idea that if I give in, he’ll finally get what he wants from the very beginning and then flee, bye-bye. I’ve been supressing that thought for months now, that he’s only waiting for the sex, that he only thinks he loves me because he can’t get it from me. He unconsciously perceives it as a challenge, and his conscious mind tricks him into believing it’s love. And once I do give him that he’d realize he doesn’t really care about me at all.

Now where did that crazy idea originated? From childhood, no doubt. Whatever happened to me during my childhood- caregiver attachment style or whatever- it sucks. It’s ruining the potential of me having a perfectly good relationship. I’m trying to build one here, but I wish I could easily change my attitude towards him and everything in this relationship. What if I’m wrong? What if what my friends say is true, that I overthink everything?

I’m always on guard. I just have to.

There’s only one solution to this problem.

I’ll have sex with him and see what happens. I have to overcome my fear, this anxiety that haunts me every waking hour of my life. He’s a good guy, setting aside my neurotic doubts and all. To overcome this fear I need to do something. How will I find out if I don’t do the experiment? Clearly sex is the variable here.

 And anyway, if he has plans of leaving me after sex I might as well get it over with now, before I get too attached (if I’m not already). If he stays, good for me. I know very well that we don’t really have a healthy relationship. What we are having (or what I think we’re having, I’m not sure about him) is quite fragile... vulnerable… breakable. On bad days I feel like I’m just holding on to a thin piece of thread, and that would pain me so much because God knows how much I’m afraid of losing him.

A few days from now we’ll see each other again. Is it time to do what I have to do?

Shy, Bordering Antisocial o_O

Probably I’m just born socially retarded. My fear of people is sometimes so overwhelming I feel like I’m on the road to agoraphobia.  Of course I get along well with people I know, especially those who are quite close to me.  But being with strangers is definitely another story. I’m actually almost afraid of speaking to them. And my social interaction at home is limited to fighting for my TV privileges and the small talk I do on the dinner table every dinner time (which consists mainly of school stuff that I think they’re not even interested in). My theory is this was formed from early childhood, when I wasn’t even allowed by my parents to go on play dates so the result is I can only talk to Barbie. And don’t ask me about grade school because every day was a struggle to be on the top, so making friends had been only next to perfecting exams and competing on quiz bees. High school was better, though, because there I formed a lot of close relationships. I met my best friends. I never had an enemy in high school, though because I believe I had enough of those snotty girls talking about me behind my back during elementary. I never thought I was such a dork back then. College wasn’t magical, either, but I had close friends (most of them high school friends but I managed to make a few new ones, I’m glad). Maybe people don’t notice my awkwardness or my struggle to hide myself at the back during inevitable class presentations such as dancing (I hate dancing), but I always feel the pain of being exposed when I don’t want to. The thing is, I had a lot of practice telling my face what to do. And then there’s my mood. I could be happy, sad, weepy, hungry, tired, and indifferent- all at the same time. And once I’m showing signs of my bipolar-ness, it’s better to back off. But what pains me the most is the thought that my neurotic-ness is already below or above the normal scale. The fact that I prefer to work by myself and prefer be alone most of the time is bordering on antisocial. 

But what is really my point in this drama?

My problem is I was woken up this morning to tend our sari-sari store. And for the whole day because nobody else is available to do it! I mean, I would rather scrub the bathroom floor or wash the greasy dishes from last night’s fatty adobo or hand wash my bed sheets- but I wouldn’t want to tend our sari-sari store and face all those customers who aren’t even intimidating but I’m as nervous as wreck in facing them. I don’t have the confidence. I don’t want them to see how my hands are shaking while I hand over to them their eggs or cans of tuna or whatever.  I’m not good at facing strangers. I feel like they are going to laugh at me or worse, kill me. Some of them actually tell me I’m pretty, but the compliment doesn’t boost my confidence. It actually adds to my agony that I’m raising expectations from people and I’m not really as good as it looks. I want to run home and hide on my bedroom for the rest of my life. 

Trapped

I want to close my eyes and die. Maybe then I’d be free, away from these invisible cuffs that choke me and trap me as if I don’t own my life. I’m almost 21 now for crying out loud and I’m still not allowed to be on my own? Most girls my age are working full time now and starting to build a family of their own, and I’m still not allowed to go with my friends to other side of the town? I don’t have a night life. I don’t have a boyfriend that I shouldn’t keep as a secret. I don’t have the superficial happiness that most teenagers have. No wonder I’m a dork. No wonder I have more books than friends. No wonder I grew up socially retarded and neurotic. No wonder I’m probably going to spend my life alone. I’ve learned in my 4 years of psychology classes that if I want a mate, I should at least participate in the social constructs, such as dating and getting drunk on bars and at least hanging out at some local coffee shop where lonely people like me also hangs out and then we’ll find each other. But no, I should be at least 30 years old to do that. A girl of almost-21 must stay at home when there’s no school, watch Disney and play Barbie. Yeah, wtf. They’re lucky I’m not the rebellious type. I’m not giving them problems. For now.

I conquered my senior year :)

Facing my old self with a sigh and a smile

                I scanned through my old diary this evening (I’m still a diarist at the age of blogging) and all I can say is it was like a time machine, it brought me back not only for about two years back but it also reminded me of what I used to be like. I saw my 19 year old self- my young (at least two years younger than I am now), reserved (and by that I mean introvert but still cool in a way), dreamy, rather closed-minded, never-been-kissed, almost forever alone self. By reading my diary it’s like I’m face to face with this girl, the girl with the longer hair, happier face, and heart full of dreams. I have to say it’s been a while since I sat down, contemplate and reflect on my life. Nothing much has changed. The only thing that probably changed is the fact that I had a boyfriend and I’m smarter now, not to mention that I’m more introvert and neurotic now than before. I have always been neurotic, but I try to view it as one of the things that makes me unique, although in what aspect i still don’t have a clue. If it’s only possible, I’d like to ask my 19 year old self out for coffee, and there at the tranquil and serene atmosphere of the coffee shop (Trio cafe, I suppose) I would tell her about ways to improve her life in the future. I would tell her to stop using roll-on deodorant because it’d cause darkening of her underarm and believe me, she wouldn’t like that. I would also tell her to get rid of that BNY flared pants because she’ll get mocked by her own self for wearing such out-dated piece of clothing. I would tell her to enrol in Econ11 on the second semester of her junior year if she wants to graduate on time. I would tell her whenever she’s feeling depressed don’t overindulge in chocolate and ice cream because she’d be more depressed at the size of her jeans later on (a minute on the lips, a lifetime on the hips). I would tell her to please save her money because there’s going to be this cute Hello-Kitty alcatel phone that is made to look very cute rather than useful but it’s still very cute and she’d surely want to own it but she won’t have anything to spare. But most of all, I’d tell her not to go to that stupid elementary reunion-party because a guy who always had a crush on her since grade 3 would finally have his chance and it sounds so cute that after 6 years he’s still into her but nah, 9 months later he’s going to break her heart, believe me I know. And I’d tell her to be optimistic about everything and be happy for what she is because it’s always on the attitude of the person, dear. She’s going to have a wonderful life if she has better attitude on things. A life full of pains but still wonderful. She’d get that. She’s smart.

And well, if she can’t help going to that stupid elementary reunion-party because I understand that fateful summer is so boring and she would want an excuse to get out of the house, just.. well, please don’t fall in love with that jerk. You can do it. Love is all in the mind. It just gets hard though if you’re already under its spell. But on early period, when it’s still on the process of evolving into something illogical and foolish, you can still walk away. Get distracted. Buy a book. Get addicted to a TV series. It’ll work. Believe me, I know what’s best for you.

Life is a bitch. We should learn to bitch back.